FairyTale Madness
by Oni No Yami
Summary: After a runin with a pixie the Fowl gang are trapped in a fairy tale. Thanks to my English teacher for giving me the idea. Review if you would like more added I left room for it!


Author Note: As an assignment for my English class I had to re-write a fairy tale with an ironic ending. That combined with the fact that I am currently finished with the new Artemis Fowl book, The Lost Colony, fueled me into writing this series of events.

NOTE: I will not have any spoilers for the new book, if you are scared of that. It is all of the original characters. In fact, this should take place just before the Eternity Code.

Fairytale Madness

Chapter One: Little Black Riding-Hood?

Artemis had expected something eccentric from the pixie but nothing like this. This was just madness. As he looked around himself he found that he was in the middle of a forest. He was looking around suspiciously, trying to find out just what had happened.

The group had been attempting to bring in a pixie that had escaped to the surface. An explosion broke out and...

Well, now Artemis was here. In the forest. Alone.

Artemis picked up the black cape that cascaded down his back, frowning at it. He didn't like the looks of this, or where it could quite possibly be leading. He wasn't a genius for nothing, and this was elementary considering the way that the pixie they had been chasing worked.

Suddenly, a slow, gentle female voice suddenly began speaking from no where.

"Once upon a time there was a little boy called Little Black Riding-Hood. He lived in the forest with his mother!"

Artemis's left eye twitched. "Oh please..." He muttered.

"... One day Little Black Riding-Hood's mother gave him a basket of goodies and asked him to go to his grandfather's house. His grandfather lived across the forest and was ill."

Artemis turned around, expecting to see a fictional character waiting for him but instead he found a familiar face.

"Artemis!" The red-haired elf gasped, holding a basket in her slender hands. She was wearing a sky-blue dress with a frilly white apron over it. It was Holly!

"Holly..." Artemis sighed in relief, jogging over to her.

Holly looked annoyed. "I had to make all of this for whomever you're giving it to!" she whined. "I hate stereotypes."

The voice from no where, presumably the narrator by now, cleared her throat for attention. "Little Black Riding-Hood's mother said..." She stopped talking, leaving a space for Holly to interject her line.

Holly glared at Artemis and refused to speak.

"Little Black Riding-Hood's mother SAID..." The narrator was obviously starting to get annoyed.

Holly groaned. "I need you to take this basket of goodies to you grandfather across the forest here they are, bye," she said in monotone, angrily shoving the basket into Artemis's now out-stretched hands.

Artemis couldn't help but chuckle at Holly's expense. It was rather amusing considering how much of a tomboy Holly was.

"Little Black Riding-Hood replied..."

"Why, thank you Mother. I will gladly take these goodies to my sick grandfather across the forest." Artemis was quite the actor, making his voice slightly higher than usual to play the part.

Holly muttered an incoherent reply but Artemis grabbed her arm before she could go back into the cottage behind her.

"Holly... This is more than just a children's fairy-tale," he muttered as though the narrator could hear. Perhaps she could, he had no proof against it. "Depending on the end of the story me, whomever is playing my grandfather, and whomever is play the wolf could die."

Holly was silent. "We don't know that."

Artemis sighed almost impatiently. "Little Red Riding-Hood has numerous versions from numerous places. In one version they all escape unharmed, even the wolf. I would hope for this version of the story; we don't know who is playing the wolf."

Holly nodded in reply. "We'll just have to play it out... for now."

The narrator cleared her throat for attention. "And so Little Black Riding-Hood went skipping along the path."

The elf couldn't contain herself. The thought of Artemis having to SKIP down the path was hilarious at best but to actually see it? Well, that would be enough pay-back to last her the rest of this story.

Artemis was silent and still a moment before he raised his voice to an adorable falsetto and squeaked, "Goodbye, Mother!" And he began skipping down the path, yes, skipping. What else could he do, after all? He didn't know what would happen if he angered the narrator and she was irritable enough. As Artemis rounded the corner he could still hear Holly's laughing echoing through the bleak forest ahead of him.

Some time later the narrator began speaking again. "Little Black Riding-Hood suddenly spotted some lovely flowers just off the forest path. He knew that his mother would be angry if she found out he hadn't stayed on the path but these flowers were beautiful and he was intent on getting them for his sick grandfather."

Artemis stopped when he noticed the flowers he was supposed to be picking. How juvenile... He walked over to the flowers and knelt down. They were pretty... "Perhaps these are dogwood?" he asked himself, inspecting them as he gently plucked them towards the bottom. He didn't notice the shadow looming over him.

Finally, the shadow extended so it was over the flowers Artemis was inspecting. He gasped and attempted to turn around but someone grabbed him around the middle and pulled him close. "What a tasty-looking little boy..." a hushed, husky voice growled in his ear.

Artemis screamed and struggled against the other's grip. Normally he would have been calm but this was obviously unexpected, especially since whomever was holding him had licked at his ear.

The voice laughed and let him go. Artemis spun around as he fell forward so he landed on his back, staring up into the face of none other than Mulch Diggums. Artemis sighed with relief.

"I've never been so happy to see you in my life!" Artemis cried, just about hugging his ex-adversary.

Mulch chuckled. "Sure you have. You just don't remember a time when I scared you half to death first."

Artemis smiled half-heartedly. "True..." He glanced around, expecting the narrator to give an annoyed grunt then begin narrating again but she was silent. Perhaps they had to continue the story on their own now.

Mulch was looking around also. "Looks like she gave up," he muttered. "This is ridiculous, even I know this story by heart."

Artemis hesitated when he realized that Mulch was supposed to play the part of the wolf. "Mulch... Do you know how the story ends?"

"Of course. Who doesn't? The wolf dresses up as Grammie and gets... killed..." Mulch swallowed, hard. "D'Arvit..."

Artemis hesitated. "Mulch, there is one ending where the wolf gets away safely. For now, just go through the plot carefully and make sure no one dies." Mulch looked a bit guilty for a moment. "What?"

"I... kind of ate a rabbit on the way over here."

Artemis sighed. "That wasn't part of the story, it shouldn't directly effect the plot," he reasoned but he didn't sound sure of himself.

"Right." Mulch nodded. "We'll just go through everything and hope for the best. I'm supposed to tell you to go along a different path so I can get to your grandma first."

"Grandfather." Artemis corrected, pointedly. "It seems the story has been adjusted to suit our personalities and genders. I am known as Little Black Riding-Hood." Mulch had a nice chuckle at the name. "Which way should I go?"

Mulch pointed to a trail to Artemis's left. "Down that way. Try and get there fast but not so fast that I don't get a head start." Artemis nodded and began walking down the trail.

"Thank you, Mulch. Be careful as well." And Artemis was off, this time able to walk like a normal person.

Finally, a small cottage came into view. Artemis frowned slightly, assuming this was his grandfather's house. He rapped on the door three times, sharply, and awaited a reply.

"Come in!"

It was obviously Mulch's voice. Artemis pushed open the door, expecting to see Mulch dressed ridiculously in a night gown and cap. He was sorely disappointed as Mulch was simply standing and waiting for him at the door.

"I shoved Grandpa in the closet," Mulch said the moment Artemis had closed the door.

Artemis nodded in reply. Good. Now there was a better chance that Mulch would simply have to be scared away as opposed to being killed by the hunter. He glanced at the closet where rustling could be heard. He was curious to know just who had taken up the part of his grandfather.

Mulch snickered, obviously amused by whomever it was. "You're never gonna guess who's playing Grandpa..."

The narrator cleared her throat for attention and simply waited.

Artemis frowned a bit. "We have to say the lines."

Mulch groaned. "Why?"

"So we can get out of here."

"Fine..."

Artemis cleared his throat and shifted his voice into a falsetto. "Why Grandpa, what big eyes you have!"

Mulch frowned, thinking for a moment. He should know this; he lived as a human long enough! Finally, he snapped his finger. "All the better to see you with, my dear!"

Artemis hesitated. "Grandpa, what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear you with, my dear!"

Artemis was silent only a moment longer then sighed and continued. "Grandpa, what big teeth you have!!"

Mulch winced then stood. "The better to eat you with!" He cried and suddenly he lost control of his body, throwing himself at Artemis.

Artemis cried out and tried to move but was frozen. Not because he was scared, no... Because his character was scared. Artemis screamed and held his arms up to protect himself. Mulch's mind was rushing; he couldn't eat Artemis!! Too many bones to run through his intestines...

But then the door burst open and someone came rushing in, smacking Mulch away with the handle of an axe. Artemis looked at his rescuer.

"Butler!" He sighed out, almost running up to hug the man. He resisted; he was above that!

Butler was holding an axe and dressed in woodsman clothing. He was obviously the woodsman who would kill Mulch. But instead Mulch fled from the cabin.

Butler sighed in relief then dropped the axe, turning to Artemis and pulling him into a hug.

Artemis was shocked; why was Butler hugging him? But he hugged back anyway. "Thank you, old friend..." He whispered.Butler shrugged then grinned. "Just going by the book, Artemis. Now, let's get Grannie out of that closet."

Artemis was quick to correct him. "Actually, it appears that 'Grannie' is now 'Grandpa'."

Butler blinked then nodded, opening the door... And out tumbled none other than Commander Julius Root of the fairy LEPrecon unit!

"Mulch if I ever get my hands on you I'll--!!!" He went on cursing and yelling while Artemis and Butler were just happy everyone was safe.

Butler turned to Artemis, figuring his charge would have figured a lot more out than he did. Heck, he had been chopping wood for the better part of the story. "So... This is the end? We can go home now?"

Artemis hesitated. "I would very much hope so however I cannot guarantee such a thing... After all, whatever sent us here has to be working on a--"

The narrator interrupted, saying in a malevolent voice, "The end."

The wind began to whirl around them and Butler desperately grabbed for Artemis but it was too late. Artemis was whisked away into a giant vortex behind him, reaching out for Butler.

"NO!!! ARTEMIS!!" Butler screamed, trying to grab him. But it was too late. In the blink of an eye Artemis was gone and the rest of them were to follow.

Artemis closed his eyes tightly, the wind around him closing in and making it difficult to breathe. He spun in circles, faster and faster until suddenly he passed out.

When he awoke again he found himself sleeping very uncomfortably on a marble staircase. He looked down at the wet stairs and wiped at his cheek gingerly to get some soap suds off. He frowned down at a small, dirty rag in his hands then looked up at the ceiling as a new voice began to narrate the story; a man's voice, he sounded young and possibly handsome, too.

"Once upon a time there was a young boy named Cinderellen."

Artemis was silent for a long time. "This is ridiculous..." He finally uttered, feeling his mouth go dry. Another fairy tale to endure...

To be continued...

Next time:

"You obviously aren't thinking straight," Artemis commented, frowning a bit. "There must me some mistake, I'm not Cinderellen or anything with 'Cinder' in the name!"

Closing Author Notes: Please review if you would like me to continue. Otherwise I see no point; this is a story for the people.If I get at least twenty hits I'm bound to continue regardless of the reviews. Fare-well, all! By the way, if falsetto is wrong and you know what I'm supposed to mean please do tell me; I'm terribly confused. Ta! 


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